Forgiveness

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." -Gandhi.

            I found this quote sometime late last year when I was in my weekly positive quote kick while I was still working at the trucking company.  The quotes made me feel amazing and helped me get through the day.  I came across this one again today and I’m glad that I did…  Just like before I have fallen back into the holding onto too much anger and aggravations which does nothing but make things worse.  I have allowed a lot of outside issues effect me that I shouldn’t have.  Which throws me into being so angry, not at Jeremy don’t misunderstand, but angry that he is not here and he should be.  We shouldn’t have to be separated, I shouldn’t have to think about figuring out the dating world again because I do want a family one day, I want a child, the white picket fence the whole dream crap the just about every girl wants her entire life, but it has to be with the right person.  That was the whole amazing aspect of being lucky enough to meet and marry my soul mate, my best friend, the person who could light up everything that makes me.  He was the only man that has loved me completely and unconditionally, who would fight for me as much as I would fight for him in any aspect of the word.  It was always 50/50 with everything with us; we kept everything even because we cared about each other the exact same.  Those were the plans Jeremy and I had together and it is so frustrating having to start over.  I am extremely proud of my husband and what he has done and accomplished in his short lived life.  I have been wasting energy being frustrated instead of trying to do something that is much more productive and positive.  I’ve started to try to eat healthier and have been going to the gym to make myself feel better.  It really has been a huge help going to the gym.  What I’m trying to remember and remind myself, and you should too, is to keep a hold of having hope and that everything happens for a reason and will work out in the end.  Hope that things will get back to some sort of a normal and let the anger go and forgive anything that has been negative.

The main reasons that I started this blog was to help other women who are going through the same struggles as I am and it had turned into a huge release for me as well.  I pray that someone else feels the same way as I have communicated through my blog.  Some of the issues I have been having lately is that it seems as though my life has become some sort of spectators sport.  I’ve opened up and let people see so much of my life that I would never have done otherwise so it’s also my fault for doing so but the main thought of it all was to help others and I’m feeling more hurt out of it than anything else.  So as much as I hate it this will be my last blog, I want my privacy back and have the ability to keep things that are mine just for me. 

            I have one more thought...  I know we will never forget our spouses nor will we ever stop loving them.  Don’t lose hope on a more positive tomorrow; it’s a constant up and down roller coaster of feelings.  I don’t know about everyone else but I definitely thrive on the days that are positive and good.  The days when I laugh and don’t feel guilty for doing so.  The days when I can be alone with my sweet dog and feel okay about it just being the two of us and not the three of us.  The days when I can get off my butt and do chores around the house.  We have heard from many people about how strong we are and how amazing we’re doing but I can only imagine that someone else feels the same way I do and I definitely don’t always feel that way.  The thought that comes to my mind most often is “yeah sometimes I am”.  Hang onto the days that you feel strong and that are good because it continues to provide hope.  As long as there is hope and you keep that in your heart not all is lost and tomorrow is always another day to pick yourself up.  Today is the day I will start over and try to do my best to be positive again and happy with who I am and who I have become because I know that’s what Jeremy would want.  It’s selfish to continue the way that I have here lately because knowing the connection Jeremy and I shared if he’s not happy then I’m not happy and visa versa.  If you find happiness in anything don't let it go fight for what you want no matter what it is, that's not what I have done here lately but there is still time to change.  Today is my new day and maybe it could be your new day too… 

“You can close the windows and darken your room, and you can open the windows and let light in.  It is a matter of choice. Your mind is your room.  Do you darken it or do you fill it with light?” –Unknown Author

Much Love,

Rachel

A Life to Love...

                Yesterday would have made three years since Jeremy and I were married…  The time just seems crazy that it’s already been a year since we received the news of Jeremy’s death and the following day was one of our happiest days…  I decided today that I would try to start reading the journal Jeremy kept while he was deployed.  I also want to share a little back story on it because it’s one of my favorites.  For the last Christmas Jeremy was here I decided and set out on a “mission”, if you will, to find the most perfect Christmas gifts I could that not only would Jeremy love but that since he was about to deploy I wanted him to be able to take his gifts with him and they be thoughtful yet useful.  I did not want to get him something that he would have to wait almost a year to enjoy…  After much thought I came up with three items: wireless headphones for his IPod so he didn’t have to mess with any wires, a solar panel charger to keep all his electronics charged without constantly having to buy batteries to charge his stuff, and a leather bound journal for his writings and poems.  Leading up to Christmas I kept bragging and teasing him telling him everything I thought up to get him he could take with him on deployment.  He would just laugh probably thinking, “yeah right my silly Wifey but I appreciate the thought”.  Well the time came and he opened my heart felt gifts to him and seemed to almost be in shock as if he was thinking, “I can’t believe it!  She was right!”  I was so happy and glad that not only was he impressed but besides all that it was one of the best Christmas’s I had been able to share with anyone and I’m glad it seemed to be extra special considering it would be the last Christmas we would be able to share together. 

                The last time I was able to talk to Jeremy on the phone was the Sunday before he was killed, April 3^rd.  He sounded and seemed so happy.  He was in his element and he was doing what he loved which put me at ease.  He told me that day he would not only be writing about his day to day and poems in his journal but he will also be writing letters to me that I could read when he got home.  Basically it was extremely rare and or difficult to send mail so he thought this to be the easiest way and he could feel as though as he could talk to me everyday.  I am an extremely lucky girl…  We had a special connection that is unexplainable.  I love him so very much and I know he definitely was on the same page as me.  He wrote a lot about what we were going to do with our lives when he got home, how he never really wanted to leave me again. He wrote about where we would go for our Honeymoon we never got to go on, wondered how long it would take us to get pregnant with our own and even had hopes it would be as soon as our Honeymoon.  His thoughts brought a smile and a tear to my cheek, there is never any doubt of how in love he was with me.  He’s so amazing and I’m very lucky to be able to have such writings to hold onto from Jeremy. 

We had a few of the best years together.  Jeremy knew everything about making me smile, he understood me in a way that no one else did and I know there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do to take care of not just me but securing the connection we shared together.  Our life together was based on friendship, real love, and a true commitment to each other.  I loved our life. 

Much Love…
Rachel

To my Sweetheart...

                To my sweetheart…  It has been a year now since you’ve been gone.  You have amazed and inspired so many people that you have touched during your life, most of all you have impacted my life more than I could have imagined and are still doing so even now.  We had a plan for our lives together and we were extremely excited about what we had in store…  Now as time has passed and you are gone I have been forced into a different direction with a completely different plan.  I have finally come to the realization that as awful and torn we all have been we will be okay.  We will be happy.  I look to you for the strength to be positive, to do new things, and to pursue the new life in which I’ve been thrown into and find the new happiness within it.  I will never forget you but I no longer want to be selfish and hold you from the ultimate happiness you should be feeling right now and I’m sure have yet to achieve because I have been so devastated from losing you.  This will be a start of a new year and I know that if I’m genuinely happy you will be too.  I hope you are proud of me and the way in which I’ve been living my life and I will continue do live in such a way.  I will forever love you with all my heart…

Much Love...

Rachel

It is What it is...

                So it’s been a hot minute since I’ve wrote about anything…  Honestly I just haven’t felt like it.  I figure if I don’t want to then I’m not going to until I do feel like it.  I have been running around like a chicken with its head cut off!  I am most definitely paying for it now; I have an awesome chest cold and should have a six pack from all this coughing I’ve been doing!  Oh well I guess it’s a wake up call to tell me to chill out, at least for one day!  ;)  I’ve done a few firsts in the past month and a half…  I’ve done my first patriot guard ride for a fallen service member, my dad bought me my first motorcycle, I’ve gone fishing (actually caught a few), played a poker game at the casino, learned to ride a motorcycle, changed the front and back tire on my bike, and put over 21,000 miles on my car in only 8 months!  As always I have my good days and my bad days but being able to see all my family and friends and a few really awesome people I have met along the way that I would consider friends as well has been a great aspect of my life these days.  I have chosen to open my heart and allow wonderful things to pour into my life and I’ve been doing my best to surround myself with nothing but positivity and it has been reflecting in almost every aspect of my life except for my dreams…  I’ve never dreamed as much as I have in the past year…  I’ve dreamt that some animal attacked my dog and severely hurt him and if you know me I can’t imagine something happening to my Hawkers.  One of the most recent was a dream that a missile hit my parent’s house, me, and some neighbors.  Another dream Jeremy had come back but had absolutely no interest in me, which was like another stab in my heart.  Will these dreams ever end???  At the end of the day though I know that dreams are dreams and you can’t change them.  I can only remember that it is what it is and have to do my best to just deal with it.

Much Love...

Rachel

A lil bit of Mississippi

                So I’ve been in Mississippi now since the beginning of February and I have to say coming back home and being with my parents and seeing all my of my best friends has been wonderful. I spent about 4 and a half days in Winter Springs, Fl which is right outside of Orlando with a fantastic couple, Dugan and Robin!  Dugan served with Jeremy while he was with 1^st LAR.  As I’m sure many of you know Jeremy and I were avid Harley riders, he had a HD 1995 Softail Custom.  Well while I’ve been home my Dad found an amazing deal on a HD Nightster 1200 and bought it for me!  As of yesterday I have started to learn how to ride!  It’s so much fun and I know Jeremy is watching me thinking, “Dude that’s badass!”  I have a long way to go but I know I’ll get it and one day I will ride down Route 66 like Jeremy and I had always dreamed of doing and I’m going to do it with a huge smile on my face and tears running down my cheeks!

             Last Saturday my Dad and I were able to go on my first Patriot Guard Ride supporting a family and showing respect to a fallen military service member.  I debated on whether to go or not but decided that if I didn’t I was being selfish.  There are so many others that have lost a close loved one and they still have the strength to go and show support which I know that I want to too.  There were so many people that came and supported Jeremy at his flight in from Dover, the visitation and the funeral.  It was time to do the right thing and give back.  It was hard to watch at times because I know the pain that the family is going through and how hard it is to bury the love of your life, not to mention how it brought back memories but in the same breath I’m so glad that I went and ended up meeting a bunch of great people in the process.  It was super cold and raining and the ride was about 45 minutes from the house but we didn’t care we suited up as warm as possible and we did the damn thing and mission accomplished!
            
              As awesome as it has been here in Mississippi I am definitely getting Texas home sick and it just confirms that no matter how much I love my family and friends here in Mississippi I don’t think I will ever be able to move back.  I feel as though as I am reaching my tolerance of being so far away from Jeremy and where he lies.  I understand he’s really not really there but it’s where I go to be able to feel close to him.  I’m for sure tired of the rollercoaster of emotions, just when I think I’m progressing and feeling better the next day I feel like I’m back where I was a few months ago.  I miss him so much that I sometimes I don’t even know what to do besides get out of bed and try to conquer the world with my Hawkers.  This little brat is crazy and I am so glad I have him to keep me company!  I just try and do my day to day in hopes that I make Jeremy proud.  Anyways, I’m headed back to Texas on MONDAY!  GET READY!

Much Love…

Rachel

Bastrop!

          Needless to say I ended up having a late start last Sunday heading to Bastrop, Tx.  I arrived at Phoenix Farms that is owned by my wonderful Brother and Sister around 9:30pm.  I sure got there a lot later than I had expected or wanted for that matter.  However, it was self induced when you have great friends come stay the weekend with you.  haha The first day here we pretty much just relaxed and ran a few errands in town and had a few cocktails.  Tuesday was much busier, I woke up with my allergies just going crazy and wanted to beat my head against the wall to get some relief, I think it’s because of the crazy weather we have been having.  Seriously it’s January and it was in the mid 70’s!  Any who instead of doing anything productive or awesome on the farm Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday I hid out in the house most of the day because of my allergies.  So much for farming I guess I’m just a city girl! J

          We ended up driving into Austin Thursday night and what a phenomenal time!  First stop was for Shayda to get a tattoo then it was onto this neat place called The High Ball.  We had a bite to eat and then you can choose to either continue sitting at your table and play a board game/drink, go bowling, two-step to country music, OR you could get a private room and do Karaoke.  We ended up choosing to Karaoke and if anyone knows me at all you know that I DO NOT Karaoke because I can’t carry a tune to save my life!  But I figured I’ve never done it before and I want to try everything at least once and it’s going to be in front of just family not on a huge stage or anything so I sang my little heart out!  WHAT A BLAST!  I know sounded awful and I did apologize to everyone’s ears but it was so much fun!

         Friday was yet again another good day, went back into Austin with Shayda for a girls day.  We went to this place called the Austin Art Garage where they sell local artists work.  I’m absolutely in love with the work made by Graham Franciose.  I ended up buying two of his pieces and I can’t wait to hang them up in my new house!  Then we just walked around a little shopping district and headed back to the farm.  I ended up staying an extra day for Tyler’s birthday on Saturday, he turned the big 20!  He has a super sensitive stomach so we have dubbed him as “Baby Tummy”.  So one of the best gifts he received that day was tums and pepto!  Haha We couldn’t resist.  We hung out until about 4:30 and then I headed out to Conroe, TX for my next adventure!

Much Love…

Rachel

Just a Dream...

                Its crazy for the past week I swear I have been dreaming every night and that’s very odd for me, I mean I dream often but definitely not every night.  Since I’ve been in Bastrop though every dream has been about Jeremy coming back from his deployment and for the moments that I’m in my state of delusion I’m so incredibly happy again.  Then inevitably I wake up super pissed off about it and sometimes for days depending on the content.  It’s another dose of reality that confirms that it was in fact just a dream.  Sometimes I feel so disconnected from Jeremy that it’s like the time we spent together was surreal and almost as if he only exists through my dreams.  As I look through pictures and different things that remind me of him, of course I know that the memories I have of him are real and our time together wasn’t just a figment of my imagination.  I think about the times we laughed together and the way he laughed because his laugh was definitely a one of a kind.  There was no mistaking Jeremy’s laugh; sometimes I would tickle him like crazy just so I could hear it.  I can remember the way he would look at me, always with such endearment, just complete love and trust.  It was like who is so freaking lucky to be with this amazing guy and be so happy???  This girl!  Most of all though I miss our conversations and the way he could make sense of everything no matter what it was, including me which isn’t always an easy task.  Heck I can’t even figure myself out sometimes.  I think a lot about what will happen or what it will be like the next time we are together again.  As time passes I know that its one day closer to seeing each other again but on the flipside it’s been that much further from the last time we were together.  Bottom line, no matter how much time passes it still hurts, not any more but not any less than the day before.  I used to be able to, as I describe it, put my feelings and thoughts on a shelf in my head and be able to put it up or take it down whenever I wanted.  I think it was somewhat of a self protecting deal but since the New Year it has been harder to do.  Apparently this is what I get for quitting my job, I have had so much time to think and dwell on things that it has been some what of a catch twenty-two.  If nothing else I know I sure had a few of the happiest and most amazing years of my life that I will never forget with Jeremy.  

Much Love…

Rachel

So Far...

                 So this is my third week off from work...  It’s been so nice sleeping in and spending the day with Hawk, however, it has been giving me so much time to just think.  Thinking about what I’m going to do in the up coming future and thinking about the past.  I’ve finally slowed down and been thinking a lot about all the wonderful memories Jeremy and I have shared and how aggravating it has been since the beginning of the year thinking about how he will not be a part of any of this.  I’ve been going through our things trying to get everything organized so that when I come back from all my travels I don’t have to do everything at once and be completely overwhelmed.  It feels good to have everything organized and sorted though, definitely not an easy task.  I applied for admission into the University of Texas at Arlington for the fall.  I want to get my Bachelors degree in Business Management with a concentration in Human Resources.  I’m extremely excited but super nervous at the same time but I know that in the end it will pay off.  FINGERS CROSSED! 

                I’m so ready to get back on the road which I will be this Sunday!!!  I will be back in Bastrop, TX for a week then it’s off to Houston until the end of the month!  Of course my booger butt Hawk will be riding shot gun.  We will head back up here the beginning of February to take care of some upcoming issues on my house and apartment.  My next stop will be going to see my parents and friends in Mississippi and Florida! I’m extremely excited about Florida; I haven’t been there in years.  First stop will be to see an amazing couple in Winter Springs then to see my Brother in Miami!  I’ve never been to either place so I can only imagine how much fun it will be!  Then back to Mississippi for a while and home to Fort Worth.  I see sky diving and learning to ride my babes Harley in the near future.  We’ll see how that goes though…  When summer hits I’ll be doing my trek up the east coast.  I figured that would be the smartest thing to do considering I was 0-2 with vehicles in one month, no need to take a 3^rd strike playing in the snow and ice.  Well that’s my plans for now and will definitely be updating with pictures and my adventures as they happen. J

Much Love…

Rachel

The New Year

        
       So 2011 is finally over…  I made the mistake of thinking that the second 2011 was over it would be a relief.  Relieved that the worst year of my life is finally over and I would have a better feeling.  Wow was I wrong.  I was surrounded by some of the greatest people for New Years and that was wonderful.  Then midnight hit and instead of me celebrating with everyone for the start of 2012 all I could do was cry.  I cried like a four year old and once I started I couldn’t stop, it felt like I digressed back to where I was nine months ago.  I was not expecting that and all I could think about was how mad I was that Jeremy wasn’t there and how he should be here celebrating with the rest of us.  It ended up being another slap of reality that Jeremy is really gone, and Jeremy won’t be a part of my 2012.  The holidays have been hard and the feelings that came with them have been extremely unwelcomed and exhausting at times.  I try to stay positive and strong but the holidays have seemed to knock me off my band wagon a little.  I do know that I have to stop trying so hard to beat my feelings back and let myself feel whatever it is that I’m feeling because I think holding it back did nothing but cause me to have a harder breakdown.  I was fortunate to have my close friends around me who didn’t judge me but this is just part of it I guess.  I do still hope that 2012 is better than 2011 it just has to be, I don’t think anything could top it so I guess it’s somewhat of a guarantee.  I love and miss you Jeremy.  I hope everyone has a Happy New Year.

Much Love…

Rachel