Forgiveness

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." -Gandhi.

            I found this quote sometime late last year when I was in my weekly positive quote kick while I was still working at the trucking company.  The quotes made me feel amazing and helped me get through the day.  I came across this one again today and I’m glad that I did…  Just like before I have fallen back into the holding onto too much anger and aggravations which does nothing but make things worse.  I have allowed a lot of outside issues effect me that I shouldn’t have.  Which throws me into being so angry, not at Jeremy don’t misunderstand, but angry that he is not here and he should be.  We shouldn’t have to be separated, I shouldn’t have to think about figuring out the dating world again because I do want a family one day, I want a child, the white picket fence the whole dream crap the just about every girl wants her entire life, but it has to be with the right person.  That was the whole amazing aspect of being lucky enough to meet and marry my soul mate, my best friend, the person who could light up everything that makes me.  He was the only man that has loved me completely and unconditionally, who would fight for me as much as I would fight for him in any aspect of the word.  It was always 50/50 with everything with us; we kept everything even because we cared about each other the exact same.  Those were the plans Jeremy and I had together and it is so frustrating having to start over.  I am extremely proud of my husband and what he has done and accomplished in his short lived life.  I have been wasting energy being frustrated instead of trying to do something that is much more productive and positive.  I’ve started to try to eat healthier and have been going to the gym to make myself feel better.  It really has been a huge help going to the gym.  What I’m trying to remember and remind myself, and you should too, is to keep a hold of having hope and that everything happens for a reason and will work out in the end.  Hope that things will get back to some sort of a normal and let the anger go and forgive anything that has been negative.

The main reasons that I started this blog was to help other women who are going through the same struggles as I am and it had turned into a huge release for me as well.  I pray that someone else feels the same way as I have communicated through my blog.  Some of the issues I have been having lately is that it seems as though my life has become some sort of spectators sport.  I’ve opened up and let people see so much of my life that I would never have done otherwise so it’s also my fault for doing so but the main thought of it all was to help others and I’m feeling more hurt out of it than anything else.  So as much as I hate it this will be my last blog, I want my privacy back and have the ability to keep things that are mine just for me. 

            I have one more thought...  I know we will never forget our spouses nor will we ever stop loving them.  Don’t lose hope on a more positive tomorrow; it’s a constant up and down roller coaster of feelings.  I don’t know about everyone else but I definitely thrive on the days that are positive and good.  The days when I laugh and don’t feel guilty for doing so.  The days when I can be alone with my sweet dog and feel okay about it just being the two of us and not the three of us.  The days when I can get off my butt and do chores around the house.  We have heard from many people about how strong we are and how amazing we’re doing but I can only imagine that someone else feels the same way I do and I definitely don’t always feel that way.  The thought that comes to my mind most often is “yeah sometimes I am”.  Hang onto the days that you feel strong and that are good because it continues to provide hope.  As long as there is hope and you keep that in your heart not all is lost and tomorrow is always another day to pick yourself up.  Today is the day I will start over and try to do my best to be positive again and happy with who I am and who I have become because I know that’s what Jeremy would want.  It’s selfish to continue the way that I have here lately because knowing the connection Jeremy and I shared if he’s not happy then I’m not happy and visa versa.  If you find happiness in anything don't let it go fight for what you want no matter what it is, that's not what I have done here lately but there is still time to change.  Today is my new day and maybe it could be your new day too… 

“You can close the windows and darken your room, and you can open the windows and let light in.  It is a matter of choice. Your mind is your room.  Do you darken it or do you fill it with light?” –Unknown Author

Much Love,

Rachel