Just a Dream...

                Its crazy for the past week I swear I have been dreaming every night and that’s very odd for me, I mean I dream often but definitely not every night.  Since I’ve been in Bastrop though every dream has been about Jeremy coming back from his deployment and for the moments that I’m in my state of delusion I’m so incredibly happy again.  Then inevitably I wake up super pissed off about it and sometimes for days depending on the content.  It’s another dose of reality that confirms that it was in fact just a dream.  Sometimes I feel so disconnected from Jeremy that it’s like the time we spent together was surreal and almost as if he only exists through my dreams.  As I look through pictures and different things that remind me of him, of course I know that the memories I have of him are real and our time together wasn’t just a figment of my imagination.  I think about the times we laughed together and the way he laughed because his laugh was definitely a one of a kind.  There was no mistaking Jeremy’s laugh; sometimes I would tickle him like crazy just so I could hear it.  I can remember the way he would look at me, always with such endearment, just complete love and trust.  It was like who is so freaking lucky to be with this amazing guy and be so happy???  This girl!  Most of all though I miss our conversations and the way he could make sense of everything no matter what it was, including me which isn’t always an easy task.  Heck I can’t even figure myself out sometimes.  I think a lot about what will happen or what it will be like the next time we are together again.  As time passes I know that its one day closer to seeing each other again but on the flipside it’s been that much further from the last time we were together.  Bottom line, no matter how much time passes it still hurts, not any more but not any less than the day before.  I used to be able to, as I describe it, put my feelings and thoughts on a shelf in my head and be able to put it up or take it down whenever I wanted.  I think it was somewhat of a self protecting deal but since the New Year it has been harder to do.  Apparently this is what I get for quitting my job, I have had so much time to think and dwell on things that it has been some what of a catch twenty-two.  If nothing else I know I sure had a few of the happiest and most amazing years of my life that I will never forget with Jeremy.  

Much Love…

Rachel