So 2011 is finally over… I made the mistake of thinking that the second 2011 was over it would be a relief. Relieved that the worst year of my life is finally over and I would have a better feeling. Wow was I wrong. I was surrounded by some of the greatest people for New Years and that was wonderful. Then midnight hit and instead of me celebrating with everyone for the start of 2012 all I could do was cry. I cried like a four year old and once I started I couldn’t stop, it felt like I digressed back to where I was nine months ago. I was not expecting that and all I could think about was how mad I was that Jeremy wasn’t there and how he should be here celebrating with the rest of us. It ended up being another slap of reality that Jeremy is really gone, and Jeremy won’t be a part of my 2012. The holidays have been hard and the feelings that came with them have been extremely unwelcomed and exhausting at times. I try to stay positive and strong but the holidays have seemed to knock me off my band wagon a little. I do know that I have to stop trying so hard to beat my feelings back and let myself feel whatever it is that I’m feeling because I think holding it back did nothing but cause me to have a harder breakdown. I was fortunate to have my close friends around me who didn’t judge me but this is just part of it I guess. I do still hope that 2012 is better than 2011 it just has to be, I don’t think anything could top it so I guess it’s somewhat of a guarantee. I love and miss you Jeremy. I hope everyone has a Happy New Year.
Much Love…
Rachel
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