I
found this quote sometime late last year when I was in my weekly positive quote
kick while I was still working at the trucking company. The quotes made me feel amazing and helped me
get through the day. I came across this
one again today and I’m glad that I did…
Just like before I have fallen back into the holding onto too much anger
and aggravations which does nothing but make things worse. I have allowed a lot of outside issues effect
me that I shouldn’t have. Which throws
me into being so angry, not at Jeremy don’t misunderstand, but angry that he is
not here and he should be. We shouldn’t
have to be separated, I shouldn’t have to think about figuring out the dating
world again because I do want a family one day, I want a child, the white
picket fence the whole dream crap the just about every girl wants her entire
life, but it has to be with the right person.
That was the whole amazing aspect of being lucky enough to meet and
marry my soul mate, my best friend, the person who could light up everything
that makes me. He was the only man that
has loved me completely and unconditionally, who would fight for me as much as
I would fight for him in any aspect of the word. It was always 50/50 with everything with us;
we kept everything even because we cared about each other the exact same. Those were the plans Jeremy and I had together
and it is so frustrating having to start over.
I am extremely proud of my husband and what he has done and accomplished
in his short lived life. I have been
wasting energy being frustrated instead of trying to do something that is much
more productive and positive. I’ve
started to try to eat healthier and have been going to the gym to make myself
feel better. It really has been a huge
help going to the gym. What I’m trying
to remember and remind myself, and you should too, is to keep a hold of having
hope and that everything happens for a reason and will work out in the end. Hope that things will get back to some sort
of a normal and let the anger go and forgive anything that has been negative.
The main reasons that I
started this blog was to help other women who are going through the same
struggles as I am and it had turned into a huge release for me as well. I pray that someone else feels the same way
as I have communicated through my blog.
Some of the issues I have been having lately is that it seems as though
my life has become some sort of spectators sport. I’ve opened up and let people see so much of
my life that I would never have done otherwise so it’s also my fault for doing
so but the main thought of it all was to help others and I’m feeling more hurt
out of it than anything else. So as much
as I hate it this will be my last blog, I want my privacy back and have the
ability to keep things that are mine just for me.
I
have one more thought... I know we will
never forget our spouses nor will we ever stop loving them. Don’t lose hope on a more positive tomorrow;
it’s a constant up and down roller coaster of feelings. I don’t know about everyone else but I
definitely thrive on the days that are positive and good. The days when I laugh and don’t feel guilty
for doing so. The days when I can be
alone with my sweet dog and feel okay about it just being the two of us and not
the three of us. The days when I can get
off my butt and do chores around the house.
We have heard from many people about how strong we are and how amazing
we’re doing but I can only imagine that someone else feels the same way I do
and I definitely don’t always feel that way.
The thought that comes to my mind most often is “yeah sometimes I
am”. Hang onto the days that you feel
strong and that are good because it continues to provide hope. As long as there is hope and you keep that in
your heart not all is lost and tomorrow is always another day to pick yourself
up. Today is the day I will start over
and try to do my best to be positive again and happy with who I am and who I
have become because I know that’s what Jeremy would want. It’s selfish to continue the way that I have
here lately because knowing the connection Jeremy and I shared if he’s not
happy then I’m not happy and visa versa. If you find happiness in anything don't let it go fight for what you want no matter what it is, that's not what I have done here lately but there is still time to change.
Today is my new day and maybe it could be your new day too…
“You can close the windows and darken your room, and
you can open the windows and let light in. It is a matter of choice. Your mind is your
room. Do you darken it or do you fill it
with light?” –Unknown Author
Much Love,
Rachel
