So Far...

                 So this is my third week off from work...  It’s been so nice sleeping in and spending the day with Hawk, however, it has been giving me so much time to just think.  Thinking about what I’m going to do in the up coming future and thinking about the past.  I’ve finally slowed down and been thinking a lot about all the wonderful memories Jeremy and I have shared and how aggravating it has been since the beginning of the year thinking about how he will not be a part of any of this.  I’ve been going through our things trying to get everything organized so that when I come back from all my travels I don’t have to do everything at once and be completely overwhelmed.  It feels good to have everything organized and sorted though, definitely not an easy task.  I applied for admission into the University of Texas at Arlington for the fall.  I want to get my Bachelors degree in Business Management with a concentration in Human Resources.  I’m extremely excited but super nervous at the same time but I know that in the end it will pay off.  FINGERS CROSSED! 

                I’m so ready to get back on the road which I will be this Sunday!!!  I will be back in Bastrop, TX for a week then it’s off to Houston until the end of the month!  Of course my booger butt Hawk will be riding shot gun.  We will head back up here the beginning of February to take care of some upcoming issues on my house and apartment.  My next stop will be going to see my parents and friends in Mississippi and Florida! I’m extremely excited about Florida; I haven’t been there in years.  First stop will be to see an amazing couple in Winter Springs then to see my Brother in Miami!  I’ve never been to either place so I can only imagine how much fun it will be!  Then back to Mississippi for a while and home to Fort Worth.  I see sky diving and learning to ride my babes Harley in the near future.  We’ll see how that goes though…  When summer hits I’ll be doing my trek up the east coast.  I figured that would be the smartest thing to do considering I was 0-2 with vehicles in one month, no need to take a 3^rd strike playing in the snow and ice.  Well that’s my plans for now and will definitely be updating with pictures and my adventures as they happen. J

Much Love…

Rachel

The New Year

        
       So 2011 is finally over…  I made the mistake of thinking that the second 2011 was over it would be a relief.  Relieved that the worst year of my life is finally over and I would have a better feeling.  Wow was I wrong.  I was surrounded by some of the greatest people for New Years and that was wonderful.  Then midnight hit and instead of me celebrating with everyone for the start of 2012 all I could do was cry.  I cried like a four year old and once I started I couldn’t stop, it felt like I digressed back to where I was nine months ago.  I was not expecting that and all I could think about was how mad I was that Jeremy wasn’t there and how he should be here celebrating with the rest of us.  It ended up being another slap of reality that Jeremy is really gone, and Jeremy won’t be a part of my 2012.  The holidays have been hard and the feelings that came with them have been extremely unwelcomed and exhausting at times.  I try to stay positive and strong but the holidays have seemed to knock me off my band wagon a little.  I do know that I have to stop trying so hard to beat my feelings back and let myself feel whatever it is that I’m feeling because I think holding it back did nothing but cause me to have a harder breakdown.  I was fortunate to have my close friends around me who didn’t judge me but this is just part of it I guess.  I do still hope that 2012 is better than 2011 it just has to be, I don’t think anything could top it so I guess it’s somewhat of a guarantee.  I love and miss you Jeremy.  I hope everyone has a Happy New Year.

Much Love…

Rachel

A Morning Thought...

              
               So I woke up this morning with a thought stuck in my head from some conversations that I had last night…  Why has everything happened and unfolded the way it has?  I have found myself caught in a between the lines of fire, if you will, with my thoughts.  If the circumstances of this past year were different would I know, care, and enjoy the company of all the new people that have come into my life?  My new “loves”?  I have a lot of love to hand out here people I can’t help I’m so caring! HAHA Anyways I wouldn’t trade any of them for anything in the world but that’s where my dilemma comes from because the death of the man I loved is the only reason I have come to know and love all of these wonderful people…  It seems like a catch twenty-two; I have lost one and have gained so many that are irreplaceable to me.  I do know that there’s nothing that myself or anyone else can do to change where we have ended up.  Whatever the unforeseen reason is, it’s supposed to be this way and that has to be accepted.  I’m sure I can’t be the only one that feels this way so that is why I’m sharing my thoughts. 

I’m finally feeling relief and I’m actually excited about the direction my life is taking right now.  So, we/I have to remember that life is too short and not to dwell in the things we can’t change, to do the best with what we have and find peace with that.  We shouldn’t have regrets or second guess ourselves.  No matter the circumstance we should love the people in our lives that treat us right and leave the ones that don’t behind in our trail of awesomeness.  Yes I said awesomeness.  Believe that everything happens for a reason.  I have come to find that there is absolutely no grey area with the thought no matter how much I kicked and screamed at first.  It either is or it isn’t.  If a new chance or change presents itself and feels like the right thing for YOU to do than you need to take the opportunity and do it.  If it changes your life in a big or small way just let it.  Like “they” say, (who ever they are LMAO), nobody said it would be easy, but it is promised that it would be worth it.  Anything you have to work for or work through always is in the end.  Let’s have high hopes for the future!  Hope everyone has had a good week and TGIF!

Much Love…

Rachel

BTW:  Count Down Ticker is T-minus one more work week!!

~My Fairy Tale~

I thought the best way to start this would be from the beginning. 

This is where my story begins...

     My Husband Jeremy, known to many as SSgt Smith is and always has been an amazingly passionate man.  He was a poet, a loving husband, an exceptional Marine.  He wasn’t just my husband; he was my best friend, the light of my soul, my fairy tale man.  Jeremy brought so much love into my life and everything that is me.  I never could fathom the magnitude of love two people could share with one another until I met Jeremy.  We met July 4^th 2008, I had just moved to Texas not even a week prior to our meeting.  We knew instantly that this was it we were destined to be together and on April 7, 2009 we were married at the court house then May 2, 2009 we were married AGAIN but in front of all our family and friends!  We were always laughing and joking and living our lives to the fullest.  We were all or nothing and I loved every minute of it.  It was all I ever dreamed of and so much more.   I know each of you know what I’m trying to say and there are no words that could ever really describe the love between two people it’s just a feeling that you know.
    
     Jeremy had a calling an enormous pull in his heart and that was to protect all of those he loved and cared for and serve his country.  That’s exactly what he did.  He left late February for his fourth deployment; he had completed 3 in Iraq and this was his first time to Afghanistan.  April 6, 2011 was the day I received a phone call from a man who said he was with the Marine Corps while I was at work…  My first thought was oh no Jeremy is hurt but hey they’re calling me so he’s alive and we can get through anything; I will pack up my things and go where ever he is to be by his side and take care of him.  The conversation continued and the Marine asked me if I was at work and where that is because he needed to talk to me face to face.  That’s when my heart completely dropped and I started freaking out.  I knew Jeremy had been killed not injured why else could he not tell me over the phone??!!  My co-workers tried to assure me that Jeremy must be trying to pull something cute since our anniversary was the very next day and he always liked surprising me.  I just could not quit shaking there was no way...   I knew but just didn’t want to say it, he was gone.  I waiting for 45 minutes before 4 Marines came into my office with such awful looks on their face.  There was no doubt what happened and they were about to confirm my biggest nightmare…  It was a friendly-fire incident and my sweet hubby was killed by a hellfire missile shot from a predator drone.  Apparently this is the first time an incident like this has ever happened.  I couldn’t even fathom the thought of it.  Everything after that is a blur I can’t tell you what day is was or when something happened or anything.  I lost the half that made me whole how can anyone continue after that?  But… you can and do.
    
     Jeremy wrote me and all those he loved a letter and the biggest part I hold onto is that he did not want us to stay in midnight, he did not want us to stay unhappy forever to know that he is in a better place waiting and watching over us all.  It’s only been almost 8 months but I want to take what he said and apply it to my life and be as strong as he is.  I will forever try to strive to be more like Husband.  He is and will forever be the light to my soul and will always remain in my heart, (and arm! Lol I completed a full sleeve tattoo dedicated to my hubby).  I will always try to be a better person and do things the way he would have done.  I was lucky and received my husband’s wedding band back after one of his fellow Marines searched and searched a field for it just to make sure I would have it back.  Where do these men come from?  Absolutely amazing and could never repay an act like that.  I created a necklace for it and it’s always hanging around my neck close to my heart where it belongs.
          
     I've learned that everything doesn't have to have a set plan, rhyme or reason that you think it will or should have... When you think things, situations or circumstances are hopeless be determined to turn it around into something positive... We have the ability to select different paths based on what life hands us, and you can choose how happy or positive you are along the way. I refuse to be stuck in negativity.  I am going to radiate this attitude!  I know Jeremy is proud of me and what I’m doing with my life and because I laugh harder than I think I ever had in my life.  I’m living for the both of us so I do things times two!  I never thought that was possible, but being surrounded by so many people that love Jeremy, my family, his family and his Marine Corps family it’s been an amazing support system and I know I couldn’t have done it without any of them!   As I move forward into this new life I have been thrown into I do not want to hold back on anything, I don’t think in anyway shape or form that will diminish the love Jeremy and I shared.  I think it just means that I’m learning how to live with him in a different way.  With these thoughts I look forward to being genuinely happy again and maybe even create a new fairy tale in my life whatever that may be…  I hope by sharing this might touch and help someone who is going through the same thing.

Much Love… 

Rachel